By now we’ve all had time to properly digest the Tiger Woods press conference. The ink has run dry on the shot gun analyses from sportswriters, and bloggers throughout America.
So what can I, presume to understand from all this?
Let’s break the press conference down Dr. Jack Ramses style first:
The Reason for the press* conference: To offer up a sincere apology. A believable apology. To give the American public what its been dying for: Tiger in a room full of people, with a microphone saying I’m sorry for the world to see.
*= the term press being used very loosely since none of them were allowed to speak. They were expected to sit there and just listen and then hopefully offer up a golf clap of sorts when Tiger gave the cue by picking up his papers and arranging them, sighing loudly for effect and then thanking everyone.
The Content: A thirteen minutes-and-change speech delivered by Tiger admitting to indiscretion in his marriage, his bad decision making skills, and his hope that none of us blame anything on his wife Elin.
The Hope: That America accepts his apology and the forgive and forgetting part begins.
Ok, so those are the basics. I actually laughed as I read so called respected sportswriters talk up Tiger’s apology. They spent a few hundred words describing Tiger and their thoughts on whether he was truthful or not.
Well, I’m not an expert. I don’t pretend to know these players and when I make judgements, its purely from an outsider’s perspective so take that as you may.
A year ago after the A-Rod steroid scandal broke, I wrote that he was like a cyborg. A manufactured being, brought to you by corporate America, to push products and a certain mindset we as Americans want to have: perfection. We accept that not everyone is perfect but it should be strived for and thus we need examples of this mindset. We give you, A-Rod. We give you Tiger Woods.
Tiger Woods is the creation of a company ad campaign. He has no other identity than that. He’s told what to say, when to smile, where to look before the flashbulbs light up and has plenty of highly paid professionals helping him at all times.
Those professionals are paid to protect his image. That image is what companies partially pay for. They pony up the dough for the best in each sport because they only will associate with champions. Thus if you’re a champion, chances are you’re on the payroll.
But guys like this are so sad to see. They’re real, but in many ways they aren’t. I can’t possibly see myself hanging out with Tiger Woods and I can’t possibly see Tiger Woods having a posse or a close group of friends he hangs out with regularly since an early age. All that has been cut from his life if he ever had one to begin with. Could you imagine hanging out with Tiger at a bar?
Sample convo:
::pretty girl walks by::**
**= the premise being that Tiger hasn’t hit that already.
You: Tiger, did you just see that? I bet you I can get that girl’s number before you.***
Tiger: She seems like a wonderful human being. I’m just going to go out there and try my best and hope that its enough.
***= I know I know, who am I fooling challenging Tiger’s game. But its remarkable and goes to show you that even a robot can score in todays society with women as long as your famous. As always boys, the lesson here is that there are plenty of emotionally unstable women ready to be taken advantage of.
The theory of these manufactured athletes is not something I haven’t toyed with for years. It seemed as if athletes of a certain stature always behaved in a certain way and never differed from that path. They were understated, handsome, clean cut, and always a willing participant in a photo-op with a huge smile painted on; as if they were part of some exclusive club.****
****= The others you ask? Currently playing athletes: Peyton Manning, Roger Federer, Lebron James (the advanced form of their species), Kobe Bryant, David Beckham, and Alex Rodriguez. That’s it.
So fast forward to last Thursday when the world tuned in to see a sad looking Tiger look the camera dead on with his puppy dog eyes and ask the world for forgiveness. Let’s see, was he really saying i’m sorry to all the parents of children who may have at one time idolized him? Was he really saying I’m sorry for all the kids who may have looked at him as an example to be followed? No, he was apologizing to the sponsors he let down. For all the people who had placed him in a position of royalty.
When the camera went out and the presser had to continue through a side lens angle which showed his mother sitting about as still as Andrew Guiliani during his father Rudy’s inauguration as Mayor of New York city*****, Bill Simmons made a funny yet applicable joke: he wondered if it would show him as plugged into the wall socket.
*****- If you are confused as to the reference I just made, here’s a visual idea of what I’m talking about: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WtvGJwEWbSQ
But here’s the reality of the press conference. It changed nothing about him. How could it? It was all part of the script. He’s still being handled. How do I know this? Because he invited a room full of yes men/women designed to make people think that everyone agreed with every word that was said from a speech written for him by highly trained PR people who were following a plan. That plan is simple and it happened with Alex Rodriguez last year.
Last year he was a cheater and a liar and a player who most would’ve considered a pariah. When he made his apology he did so and then had hip surgery that would sideline him for a few weeks enabling him to both recover physically and publicly. The rest of the season is history. They won a championship due to some of A-Rod’s late game heroics and he was finally the hero that many had long thought he would be.
So the path has been laid before him for Tiger to follow. He hinted at his return but remained vague as to when it would be. But it will certainly be this summer. That’s where the healing process begins. Because for anyone who follows sports knows, that these are pardonable offenses. Our society disapproves of extra marital affairs, but never shuts someone of Tiger’s stature out. In a few months all the ink will run out and we’ll forget. In a few years he’ll raise his 18th and 19th major trophies and we’ll celebrate his career. There might be a small reference to this episode in his life but it won’t last.
In the end, it doesn’t matter if he meant what he said. It wouldn’t surprise me if he said he didn’t believe a single word he wrote. Because even if he admitted that, I wouldn’t be foolish to consider that its another part of the con job that Tiger’s team is trying to pull on us to make us believe something he’s not. He’s not like us. He never was. Its time we stopped fooling ourselves into thinking that way.
Is he sorry for what he did? Who cares? Is he human? No. So why should we hold him to our standards?
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